dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
