so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
