3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
