She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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