If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
