Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
