He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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