My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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