I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
