so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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