Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
