Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
