You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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