just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
