I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
