he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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