Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I want to fling myself into the sun
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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