Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
