Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
