She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
