sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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