i just had sex bonerless
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
