That's intense
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
