Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
