The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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