I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
