I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Sorry about my life...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
