just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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