every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
