You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
