Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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