did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
