At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
