You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
