No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
