i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
