I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
