it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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