only you would photoshop your dick
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
50% drunk capacity currently
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
