i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
