How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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