so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
