I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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