I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
