When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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