i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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