i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
