I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
