No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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