I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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