so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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